I always knew my family was peculiar compared to other American families but I did not know the extent of our differences until particular speculations of my family of four were introduced. “I’m convinced everyone in your family is a spy,” says my boyfriend of three years with a dead serious face. My natural instinct is to laugh but when I lay in bed at night, sometimes I actually wonder if they are spies. Turns out there are horrifying amounts of evidence to support it too.

I’m now convinced my father is a spy. To start off, his briefcase is unreasonably heavy and everytime I pick it up I get a glare so menacing it hurts. He travels for “work” so frequently that I have to text him on occasion and ask him what country he’s in. The workers airport lounges know him by his first name and shower him with gifts everytime they see him. Last week I received a text, “I can not make dinner tonight. I’m in Hong-Kong.” Normal? I think not. His driving skills are comparable to those on spy shows. He manages to drive to Newark airport in fifteen minutes (40 minute drive for normal people) without hitting a single traffic light. The evidence is unwavering.

It’s the ones you least expect too. My mother seems all sweet with her petite figure, subtle German accent, and position as a yoga teacher. She even makes jewelry for “fun” at home. Is that supposed to explain the oxygen and propane tanks in my garage? Do all families have that? Her craftsmanship is impressive and probably helpful in the CIA! She is not a citizen of the U.S. but a citizen of Germany. She speaks three languages: French, English, and German. My sister and I were born in Germany and raised speaking both German and English in Ireland. Spies move around alot right? That would explain why my spy power couple of parents moved from Germany to Ireland to New Jersey with two kids. The further I get into this essay the more I convince myself. I consider myself fit but I really can’t ignore that my mother could outrun me, do four times more pushups, and probably walk on her hands for a mile. Her agility training with the Bundesnachrichtendienst (BND) must have really been incredible.

Even my twenty-year old sister is giving me spy vibes. She has been dating a British boy for three years now. Together in the past year, they travelled to France, Spain, England, and Mexico. Is she being recruited for MI6 now too? She is even “studying” abroad next semester in Rome. Am I really the only non-spy in this household? Even the dog is oddly obedient and strong.

My mother insisted on sending me to Saturday German school for the past 12 years. I guess being bilingual helps in the spy industry. My friends always told me my household was different but I just thought that was because their parents didn’t feed them schnitzel regularly. Or maybe because the quote, “Nur die Harten kommen in den Garten” is hung up in our living room. Or maybe it was the abundance of German appliances (strictly Miele vacuums) in my household.

My family seems to just be “unique” compared to those of my friends. We don’t do family outings because usually there are never two of us in the same country.  My father is strategic, my mother is strong, and my sister has deceivingly good looks. I’m convinced I would be a well rounded spy too. With 5 years of cross-country, 12 years of German, and 7 years of dance training behind me, I can run away, all the while shouting in German and doing flips. I look like your average American daughter but I contain the skillsets of each of my family members. I am also the academic one but I would much rather utilize that strength in college and not in an intelligence agency.