I stand in front of everyone who has loved my husband Adam. I am suppose to give a speech about, how much he meant to me and how loving, thoughtful and caring he was. I but I couldn’t even get up out my chair, I was balling my eyes out crying, he was the only one I truly loved and the only one who truly loved me for me. He died saving a little boy’s life in a house fire last Friday night. He died doing what he loved. Everyone in town knew him and loved him. He did everything and anything for anyone who asked. Everyone respected lieutenant Adam. He had so many people who cared for him and me.

We have a little boy together his name is Nathan, he is only five years old. How am I suppose to tell him his dad is never coming home again and that he will never see his Daddy again. It is just me and my little boy now all alone. I sit there in my seat thinking about all those things when I feel my arm get grabbed, it’s Adam and I’s best friend Eric “hey, you good there Julianna?” I look at him with a smile, the first time I smiled in a week, something about his voice made me feel like everything is ok. “Yeah, I’m good, just thinking..” The priest is talking something about life and how this is what god intended.

But I wasn’t listening, though I should have been. “Julianna, would you like to say a few words?” the priest says to me. So I get up in front of everybody, friends, family, people of the town. I see a few familiar faces but I barely know anyone here. I smile “I just wanna say Thank you for everyone who came today to celebrate Adam’s life. Adam loved every single one of you here, he was the most kind, loving person you ever met in your life, he always wanted to help, even if you didn’t ask for it. He was funny and full of smiles all the damn time, I don’t think he even had a mean bone in his body ” That got people to giggle, I liked making people laugh, it made me feel a little better.

“Not many of you know this, but Adam first choice wasn’t be a firefighter, his first choice was to be a professional football player, he wanted to play  in the NFL, he wanted to make it big. But when he got tackled one Friday night and tore his ACL, his dreams of being a football player were over, it made him depressed and sad. Until one day, he called me up, so happy and he told me that he wanted to help people and saves people’s lives, so that summer after Senior year he started his training to be the best and bravest firefighter this town has ever seen.”

I had tears rolling my face, they started slowly, and then out of nowhere it was like a river at high tide overflowing, I couldn’t finish my speech. I walked off from standing in front of everyone and just sat back down next to Eric. I put my head in my hands and just sobbed. Eric my was rubbing my back “Jules, it ok, let it out, I know it sucks” I contituned to cry, until I got it back together again. I lift my my head up, and grabbed Eric’s hand, we both look at each other and smiled. “I got your back” Eric says.

We both sat there and listen to the priest finish what he has to say about dying, losing a loved one,how we will all see him again someday and he is in a better place. The same old stuff every priest says, I was so use to hearing the same speech from all the frunels I’ve been to with Adam.

From all the ones who died in serving our town, to family members dying. It like hours before, this torture was over, When we finally put him down in the ground, that was when I lost it and couldn’t stop. I could barely breathe. Eric was the only who finally got me to stop crying, he calmed me down. “Jules, let get out of here. Let’s go somewhere nice, you need to relax.” He says it in such a calm voice, in a way he sounds like Adam. “I would go, I really would, but what about Nathan there’s no one to watch him and my parents won’t do it.” “We’ll figure it out” he says.

Eric has always been there through everything with me and Adam. But a part of me hates him, and wants nothing to do with him. If I wasn’t so upset right now I wouldn’t be talking to him. There was a secret I was keeping from everyone and was deying it from myself. The night Adam died, I was with Eric we were together. We had this thing going on,  I wanted to stop but I didn’t know how too.

Ever since Adam started as a lieutenant at the firehouse and working late. I started to feel alone, so me and Eric would meet at the fanciest hotel we could find. I apart of me felt guilty for doing it and the other part didn’t care anyone. I was cheating on my husband while Eric was cheating on his girlfriend which happened to be my sister. Everything was a mess, were both in the wrong, but everything Eric and I were doing felt so right. It was the Friday night Adam died, Adam was on duty and Eric was on call.

My parents were in town and wanted to spend time with their grandson Nathan. “Bye Jules, Nate and I are leaving now!” Adam said, I run down the stairs to them. “Adam, you know it’s never a goodbye, it’s always I’ll see you later .” I smiled up at my handsome husband. “I know, I know” he smiled back. “Alright, see ya later my handsome boys” I kissed each them both as they walked out the house. I waited a few minutes before, I called Eric. “Hey Jules, I was just thinking about you..” he said in a sexy voice.

“Hey babe, are we meeting again tonight? Same place as always?” I was smiling ear to ear talking to him. “Yup, see ya there in an hour, I’ll bring the beer.” I hung up the phone and got ready. Tight jeans and a loose flowy top. I was so excited until I realized what was going on. I always felt guilty for doing what I was doing. But I never stop doing it, I guess that makes me a bad person. I got to the hotel and went up to the room.

The room was beautiful, It was big and had great view of the cities bright color lights, lighting up the night sky. I was looking out into the night sky, when I felt these big arms wrap around me. I turned around and smiled, “Hey handsome” then I kissed him. “Hey pretty lady” he smiled back at me. We stood there for a few minutes looking out and just taking in the quietness. I finally for the first time all week, I stopped thinking and it was wonderful, it was relaxing. Nothing bad could happen tonight, but something was unsettling, something just didn’t feel right.

I had a feeling that there was something wrong, Adam died. I heard the words through the phone as the doctor said it in a calm voice. My life was over, I am going to live with this guilt for the rest of my life.