Every Christmas season, we hear the famous “12 Days of Christmas” carol and find ourselves asking the same questions. “Who in their right mind would gift all that? Why is this girl actually happy about it? And, how much does all of this stuff cost?” While we may never know why anyone would actually want these gifts, we are about to calculate the total cost.

“On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree.”

According to PurelyPoultry.com, you can buy a Hungarian Partridge for $124 with free shipping. Score. The cheapest pear trees, on plantmegreen.com, cost $6.95. As for getting the Partridge in the tree, you’re on your own there.

“On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two turtle doves.”

At StromsbergsChickens.com, you can purchase European turtle doves for $130 each. Pretty pricy. These turtle doves look exactly like pigeons to me, so you can save some money by catching a couple in NYC.

“On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three french hens.”

Turns out it is very difficult to find french hens online. However, on efoul.com, you can purchase regular chickens. Fingers crossed your loved one is not a poultry aficionado and they won’t know the difference. The “hens” will cost you $2.59 each.

“On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four calling birds.”

“Calling” birds are actually “colly” birds, which are also a rare find. Instead, you can substitute in four typical Mannikan black birds which are being sold $35 a pair on BirdsNow.com. If you can get away with the “french hens,” you can get away with calling birds, too.

“On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me five golden rings.”

A plain, simple gold band retails for about $209 dollars. Luckily, there are plenty of holiday jewelry sales to take advantage of this time of year. You can find the bands for only $109 at Tungsten Jewelry.

“On the sixth day of Christmas, my true loved gave to me six geese a laying.”

StromsbergsChickens.com has got you covered once again. African Goslings, a breed of geese, are for sale at $12.95 each. Unfortunately, they are out of season, so make sure you buy early for next Christmas.

“On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven swans a swimming.”

A vendor on BirdsNow.com will sell you “beautiful white swan cygnets” for $350 each. If you do not already have a pool or near by lake for the swans to swim in, you can buy an inflatable pool at VMinnovations.com for $42.

“On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight maids a milking.”

A farmer in Salem, Ohio has 8 Beefmaster Cross and Hereford Cross cows for sale at $1200 each. Thankfully, he is willing to drop the price to $1000 each if you take all eight. To save a little bit of money, I would recommend employing some of your friends to play the milk maids. If they are true friends, they will do it for $20.  

“On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me nine ladies dancing.”

On GigSalad.com you can hire “The Honey Taps” dance troupe who perform classic ‘20s style tap routines. Their starting price is $500, and for an added price they’ll teach you a few of their famous dances so you can really win over your true love.

“On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten lords a leaping.”

This will probably be the most expensive gift you will ever give. Lord Scott Disick does appearances for $80,000 according to Cosmopolitan, though you may need to clone him in order to have ten lords. According to Forbes, it would cost $1,747,500 to clone someone just once. This price includes surrogate costs, as well as doctor bribes and legal funds, since cloning is illegal. In total, the tenth day would cost you $17,555,000.

“On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eleven pipers piping, and on the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve drummers drumming.”

Here is where you can get a pretty good bargain. If you hire an Irish band, you cover two days because you get bag pipers and drummers. On LastMinuteMusicans.com, you can look through a listing of hundreds of celtic bands for hire. I would recommend the group Punch Drunk Ceilidh Band because, according to their profile, they are a larger group and “family friendly.” Their price starts at $815.

If you add that all up the total cost of the “Twelve Days of Christmas” it would come to about $17,568,421.42. A small price to pay for your true love’s happiness, right? Happy Holidays!